Ripped from Tomorrow’s Headlines


By Phil Vaginodyte and Russell Pygophile

MANHATTAN—Tuesday, October 11, lawmakers revealed plans already underway that spell shocking news for federal-level criminals and special offenders. In a two-pronged effort to address overcrowded prisons and to integrate radical new rehabilitation programs, prisoners are now being subjected to a scientific procedure some call “shocking,” others decry as “impossible.”

As of last July, men who have been convicted of crimes against women—domestic violence, rape, molestation, etc.—are being shrunken down to the size of a doll and inserted into the anuses of female custodians.

“Appalling,” said Blythe Schocker of the ACLU. “While we in no way condone the activities that landed these men in prison in the first place, to subject them to this treatment is unconscionable.

“The so-called scientific process has zero transparency, zero accountability. And anyway, even if we were to assume that it’s not cruel and unusual punishment, how is shoving a tiny man up a woman’s rear end supposed to achieve anything useful?”

At the fore of a large camp screaming “foul,” Schocker has been the most vociferous against the proposed rehabilitation. In favor of the treatment, Drs. Heins Riesenmann and Joachim Gottin are convinced beyond discussion.

“All of these crimes,” explained Gottin at a press conference on Tuesday, “have one concurrent thread to bind them. They were committed by men who, for better or for worse, were obsessed with the idea of womanhood. Our society does not currently have a structure to tend to such special needs, so it was inevitable, perhaps, that these souls should turn corrupt and lash out in the most horrific ways against women.

“Now, quite obviously, the tables are turned. The psyche of these men is inundated with the physical and—who may disagree?—highly symbolic aspect of a woman, of a female person. Our culture, nearly every global culture throughout time, has strong emotional and psychological associations with the posterior, with fecal matter, and with the orifices of woman.”

Sound at first blush, the practice of this yet-unnamed procedure has not produced very encouraging results. An independent investigation indicates that, rather than turning hardened souls around to a path of redemption, the mortality rate of the miniaturized incarcerated is around 60%. For this reason alone, the ACLU is sharpening its pitchforks and lighting its torches.

As for the women custodians, Riesenmann explains: “These are women hand-picked and specially trained not only to deal with crude, remorseless prisoners but to engage in this unprecedented new dynamic—that of tyrannical female overlord and emasculated doll-man—with sensitivity and empathy. Yes, empathy: no good can come of this if there is not an injection of humanity in the end.

“No pun intended.”

Who are these custodians? One is herself a former prison guard at a female institution. Several others are ordinary housewives who, interestingly, each have raised no fewer than five children. That number is crucial, says Gottin, as it indicates a strong character and a perception through a thick veil of “bullshit” better than half the time.

Beyond those, many of these women are volunteers from regional women’s shelters. The reasons behind this selection are obvious to some, controversial and insensitive to others. But the women themselves feel this is an important step in their own healing process.

Rita M., Bellevue, put it this way. “After what happened to me, it took all my strength to pack up and go to __________ Shelter, but my life was over. I lost my job and my friends, and I’m almost entirely unable to trust any man in my life. Now, with a tiny, helpless little man completely at my mercy, I have a new context to begin to recover in, if that makes any sense. If he gives me any lip,” Rita laughed, “I can just snap his neck.

“And I have, three times. This time I have to make sure the little guy lives or else I’m out of the program.” So saying, she adjusted her sitting position—to give her ward enough air, she explained.

The details of this process are shrouded in mystery, the encampments on either side of the issue are inflamed and staunch in their beliefs, and the volunteers who keep hardened misogynists one sphincter away from freedom all set the stage for a highly volatile showdown sure to unfold in the weeks to come. Until that time, the shrinking program is operational and will reduce women-beaters to the dimensions of Star Wars action figures until serious action shuts them down. “I’m disgusted by the government’s attitude, disgusted by the approval on all sides, disgusted by these women selling themselves out for this program,” exclaimed Schocker.

To say nothing of the tiny men living inside a colon.

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