Craigslist: Fairview, pt.2


Lost Anthropole (Whitehorse)

Scared little man, found only in pants. Not good pants, like Ken doll pants, too big and it looks like they scratched him up. He doesn’t speak English, keeps babbling at me and I don’t know what he wants. Vegetarian or else he hates hot dogs. If you can describe him good then I’ll meet you at Tarot Bean and if you can communicate with him I’ll hand him over. I got a knife so don’t try anything funny, I’m just trying to do the right thing.

LOST LOVER $1,000 REWARD (Breward Park)

Please!!!!!!! My poor little man fell out of his travel box! I didn’t notice until we were at our destination! I think he got mixed up in some fast food trash in the footwell, and my daughter just swept it all out at the gas station! She didn’t throw it in the trash (the one and only time her laziness has paid off), so he’s lost at the BP on 43rd St E and Buchanan Ave! His name is Everett Russell, he’s not a 900, I’m good friends with his family! They’re all out searching for him! He’s very sensitive to noise so he’s probably suffering and scared right now, somewhere around that very busy intersection and gas station! Please, if anyone has found a tiny man with jet black hair in a pompadour and high fade, wearing a white dress shirt and dark olive trousers and Taka Oxfords, please just scoop him up and calm him down later and call me immediately!!!!!!


Precision Mani/Pedi (Uptown)

You want to look your best, well now’s your chance to compet with the high end fashion salons. Hi my names Rochelle and I’m working with a crack team of the finest little painters and illustrators you ever did see. A squadron of five Anthropls are ready and willing to paint up your fingernails or toenails any way you like. lifelike images and portraits are no problem-be the only girl on your block with the members of Cry Princess Start! in lifelike detail on your fingers or toes. seriously this is the best and you never seen anything like it. No poisonous fumes or nothing either because our painters use different materials for their amazing effects. Come once and you’ll be glad you did-Rochelle’s Precision Mani/Pedi. Walk around the back of XXXX Lyndon Ave and knock twice wait and knock twice again. cash only.

Repurposed 900s Are a SCAM (Uptown)

You’ve seen the flyers stapled to telephone polls or taped up at bus stops or parking garages. My name is Carol Davidson, JD, and I’m here to warn you that there is no such thing as “repurposed 900s.” These are legitimate, registered Anthropoles that have been kidnapped from their legal owners and are being resold to an unwitting public as harvested/salvaged feral Tinies (§940)! This is absolutely in violation of §220.5: Kidnapping, Poaching, and Abetting! Law enforcement is already cracking down on these kidnapping rings, and more often than not the people who purchase these discounted Anthropoles find themselves levied with hefty fines! If you have bought illegal, stolen Anthropoles from a fence and wish to return them in good faith, please visit my Uptown office and we’ll start the paperwork to protect you.

For Sale/Arts+Crafts

Make Your Own Home

Soapstone blocks, 5″x4″x4″, $25 each

These are great for practicing carving whether you’re big or small. Tinies report feeling very powerful at digging into soapstone with tools and making deep gouges and marks. After that, they report tremendous satisfaction at crafting their own shelter, complete with windows and more than enough space to install a door (like those little wooden jobbers at the plant store, used for Fairy Gardens). Obviously there’s not a lot of room to stand up in the finished product but it is nonetheless satisfying to rest or curl up in a shelter you made for yourself.

Otherwise what greater act of love is there for the loving owner of a Tiny than to painstakingly shape and carve a little dwelling? Now this is soapstone so it’s not terribly tough and you can accidentally crush it underfoot or if you drop a six-pack on it. Voice of experience.

For Sale/Aviation

Tiny Fliers and Lessons (Thurston Heights)

You haven’t lived until you’ve seen the exhilarated look of sheer joy on your tiny man’s face, after he’s flown a few rounds in my custom RC aircraft! This is the only RC model that lets you switch control over to the Tiny himself! You can take it back over at any time, if it looks like he’s heading for trouble or ranging a little too far (you know how they get with a little freedom; all craft fitted with GPS, just in case). Choose from five body models and a near-endless combination of colors and trim, plus a wide selection of fairing and LED features. My planes are increasingly popular with Tinies and their owners alike. Unfortunately, my engines are supplied by a third party so I cannot assume responsibility for craft failure. A good pilot should be able to steer/coast out of most failures, however, and I do offer six hours of pilot training for an additional $350.


Copywriter/Blogger (Software Dance Magazine)

Software Dance Magazine is one of the best-known employers of Anthropoles in Fairview, and the reason isn’t hard to see. Not only do we avidly support Anthropole rights and interest in the office, the ROI on that is a superior product and award-winning writing. How would you like to join our team? If you’re an active smartphone user and have strong opinions about ableist apps and services, we’d love to hear from you and so would the rest of the city. Telecommuting is one of the many benefits we offer talented, hard-working Anthropoles, as well as personalized pick-up with our in-house PRT. Please forward your resume to Lloyd Cavere.

3 thoughts on “Craigslist: Fairview, pt.2

  1. I have a very old house, and I like to know if my 60-year-old galvanized steel plumbing is about to fail before I start seeing the mold and without knocking unnecessary holes in the drywall. I’m looking for three bids from Anthropole plumbers to conduct an inspection.
    Current union cards preferred but not required.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This was a delight to read, from beginning to end. Any time you write something that casually illustrates how things are in that world where tiny people exist, you make it more real, and it feels great.

    My favorite is the first one. Anxiety producing, it makes me wanna get in my car and go claim that poor, terrified little guy. To protect, of course.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Certainly, installment like this is easier to compose and add on, than would be a full story. I wanted to write something, so I brainstormed a few ideas and wrote in different voices without worrying about plot. I’m glad you liked it.

      Liked by 1 person

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